“Maybe you should try to write this out,” she said. Little did she know, the ache to write was running through my mind. I could physically feel my body needing to write. I shouldn’t be surprised she suggested to write… she knows me like the back of her hand. She knows me a little better than I know myself.

I sit here allowing my thoughts to race through my mind. Where do I start? I haven’t written in what feels like decades. I have so much to say. Yet, still. Where do I start? How do I start?

Breathe, Syd. Now, being again.

Every year, I create a mantra that I intertwine into my daily life. I am not quite sure when this all started or even why I came up with this, but somewhere along the way, it stuck. Now every January 11th, I create a new one. Most of the time I have no idea what it will be, but every year, I look forward to it. I look forward to dreaming. I look forward to allowing myself time to be still and to listen.

These are the mantras I have come up with over the years:

19 – Bionic Strong: This was the year I received one of the most amazing gift, my prosthesis! Also known as a total hip replacement. I relearned to walk again after years and years of pain and having the worst limp.

21 – is different: I came up with this one in my friend’s truck as we drove to Whistler. This was the year I decided to pursue a career in the medical field. I got my first tattoo, and did a big move!

22 – It’s Never Too Late: It’s never too late to be who you want to be, to live out a dream, or to just be. It’s never too late to start a new career, a family, or simply let your childlike self out. This is what I did.

23 – I am set free: This is what I proclaimed over my 23rd year of life. I didn’t believe it during this time, but sometimes you have to proclaim what you want to be true until you believe it is true.

24 – beautifully crafted:  I prayed I was able to be still and take in all the beauty life has to offer. I prayed I am able to grow deeper and allow my heart to heal from its brokenness. I wanted to fall more in love with who I am and see myself the way God sees me.

25 – Dance it out: This one was in honor of the hard work I do in therapy. I danced it out, even in the most inconvenient and awkward times. When I was sad, I danced it out. When I was happy, I dance it out. When I was anxious and felt alone, I dance it out. I danced it out because for a moment I knew I would feel joy. For a moment, it reminded me of our time together and how hard we fight on this journey. For a moment, it allowed me to feel silly and smile at myself.

And now, this year’s mantra is, 26 – Treasures within the Scars.

Breathe, Syd. Pause.

Treasures within the Scars is different. It feels different.

Over this past year, I have been doing a lot of reflecting, healing, and learning to trust myself. I underwent my 12th hip surgery and the recovery was much harder than I was expecting it to be. Not only that, but I was struggling with a back injury. I felt incredibly stuck. Physically my body hurt. Emotionally, I was broken down to the core. I was stripped. I felt naked. I felt like I had no one. I was struggling to process my own trauma. I didn’t have my work to distract me. I was home. Me and my dog, recovering. There were so many times I would scroll through my phone to see who I could reach out to, but time and time again, I felt like a burden. I knew I was a burden. How did I know? Because I was told many, many times. Eventually, this led to relying on myself.

I stopped relying or thinking others would help me. I stopped asking for advice. More so, I gave up on having a friend near because no matter how badly I needed someone, no one would actually be there.

As time went on, I knew I needed to look within myself; to look to what is true: Jesus.

I reached out to my therapist and I did the work. Hard work. And now, I am surround by change. Change is scary, but oh so good if I allow my heart to open and step out in faith.

This is what treasures within the scars looks like.

In a few weeks, I will be starting a new position at a Surgery Center as their Surgical Services Assistant. I will be in pre-op, PACU, and OR. I wasn’t looking for a new job, but this one literally fell in my hands. This position not only will allow me to grow, but will also help financially and provide more suitable hours. Not only that, but I am so excited to be working alongside my own medical team! On the side, I will continue with my photography business. It has blossomed right before my eyes and sometimes I need to pinch myself. I turned a my art and passion into something so special!

This is what treasures within the scars looks like.

If you know me well, you know how long I have dreamed of becoming a mom and taking a child in. My heart is for children and their wellbeing. I have started the process of being a Licensed Foster Mother. My hope is to show each child that comes in my home love and support. I am so honored to be able to walk alongside families through their trauma, loss, and reunification if it is fit for the child.

This is what treasures within the scars looks like.

I am proud of the growth and change I see within myself. My health and wellbeing has become a top priory. I take my recovery seriously. I have lost over 60lbs and counting. I do really hard work in therapy reflecting on my life and making changes. I am the only one who can change within.

This is what treasures within the scars looks like.

I am learning to find joy within. I never believed it when I heard it, but it’s true, “it gets better.”

I say all of this and yet, the best is yet to come. God is so good even in the unknowing. He sees every scar, yet still sees beauty. He is faithful. He is a redeemer. He is love and I am in his arms.

Treasures within the scars is acknowledging the past. It’s acknowledging the parts of us that are broken and are in need of healing. It’s recognizing that there is treasure and good within the hardship. It’s a whole pile of gray – holding both the treasures and the scars. Joy and sadness. Love and brokenness.

Treasures within the scars is different because I am taking ownership. It feels different because I believe in myself regardless of what’s around me. I know I am allowed to hold both my treasures and my scars and not feel worried about needing to feel one or the other. I can hold the treasure in my left hand and the scars in my right hand. Again, it’s a whole pile of gray. I believe this is where I am able to feel the healing.

Welcome to the next chapter in my life: 26 – Treasures within the Scars.