As I sit here staring at what I have created, I am reminding myself that it is okay. It is okay to be where I am at and not know all of the answers. It is okay to just be. I have been away for quite a few months… quiet, lost, and afraid; but I am here now, still trying. So, I’ll take a deep breath and allow my heart and thoughts flow through the keys.
You see, I once lost all hope. Well, at least I thought I did.
Losing hope is the scariest thing I have ever encountered. No one talks about these moments. It is lonely. It is devastating. It is crushing. It is overwhelmingly gut wrenching. It is feeling like you can’t breathe, yet, all you want to do is scream. It is seeing others laugh, yet, still only seeing darkness. Losing hope is giving up. Giving up on the littlest of things. Giving up on yourself. Giving up on life. That was where I was at.
Now, don’t say I didn’t reach out; because I did. I reached out multiple times, and each time, I got rejected. There is only so much rejection I could take, before the rejection itself began to wear on me, so I stopped. I began to accept this place of hopelessness.
My tattoo. What was once so dear to my heart, became something I dreaded so much to see. I wore long sleeves to cover it up, so I wouldn’t be reminded of it, and no one would ask what it said. My love for those beautiful words I chose to be engraved on my body, swiftly drifted away.
All hope seemed gone.
But it wasn’t.
I thought no one knew and I was wrong. I thought I was alone and I was wrong, again. God, knew. He knows my heart. He knows how broken I felt. He knows how close I was to losing all hope. He knows because he was there; and I couldn’t even see it.
Jehovah is close to the brokenhearted; He saves those who are crushed in spirit.
~ Psalm 34:18
Hope. It was there all along. I was drowning so deeply in my pain that I couldn’t see past what was right in front of me. It was so dark and the breakdowns happened on a daily. I felt like this was it for me and I had accepted it. But slowly, a glimmer of hope started to shine through as I began to lean deeper into God.
The things I once gave up, started to tug at my heart again. Faith. Music. Love. Writing. Oh, how I wish I could explain it, but right now, I am not sure if I can. All I can say, is that I am more than my pain. I am more than my past.
I will admit, I still struggle. I still get afraid. I still cry. But it’s different. I am more and this is my story; and I will do my best to share it, so that one day, I’ll be able to help someone else.
God’s love is unfailing and if you allow him into your life, and pray, and trust him, he can and will bring healing your brokenness.
May the God who gives hope fill you with all joy and peace by your trusting in him, so that you may abound in hope with power of holy spirit.
Welcome to this crazy beautiful journey on living with hope. Welcome to living life with simply SydneyPaige. There is always hope, my dear friends. One step at a time, keep going.