In this moment, I feel so alone. Clinging to the covers as the crisp cold air fills the room, the anxiety and depression is getting the best of me. The constant negative thoughts overtake me at times.
Am I good enough? Have I done enough? I am a failure. No one likes me.
It’s like an endless spinning wheel of, don’t say this or that, and do better. Ugh, when does it end?! Trapped in my own mind, I am my worst enemy.
A special friend of mine that I have known for years, said to me, “I have never met someone so hard on themselves as much as you are.” Surprisingly, that caught me off guard. I guess, it’s because I am able to be so real and honest with her, and she told me straight out, which I wasn’t ready for. Most people see as such a positive and out going person, which true and a huge part of me, but I struggle too… a lot.
My past haunts me more often than not, and drowns me in pain. I question why I made it through and what is the purpose.
I was so scared… Night after night, I begged for it all to stop, but no one listened. Ugh, why did this happen?
Every night, I would cry myself to sleep. I would make sure no one heard me; and as I listened to the soft songs with my headphones in my ears, the tears began to fall. One by one down the side of my cheeks. I had no idea what to do.
I longed to feel safe, to feel protected, to feel loved.
The PTSD I struggle with, takes me back. It’s like I am reliving it, even though I am no longer in that situation. My chest falls into my stomach and I feel like I can’t move. I feel clothed in darkness. Ashamed of my past, scared, lost, and unwanted. I feel like it was all my fault and I never meant for this to happen.
I start believing these lies, even though, I know God has been with me through it all. God has performed little miracle moments in the midst of my pain, even when, I didn’t recognize it was Him.
I fall short – And I admit that. Thankfully, I serve a God who covers me in unconditional grace and walks with me in all things. He allows there to always be hope.
My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word.
~ Psalm 119:28