It has been 6 months… wow. Has it really been that long?

And breathe, Syd. You can do this.

Its been 6 months since I have allowed myself to freely write what is on my heart. 6 months of being quiet. 6 months of allowing my inner demons to clothe me in darkness. 6 months of losing a part of who I am.

I am not even sure where to start. Maybe from the beginning? Maybe from the middle? Or maybe moment I started feeling an urge to write again?

I can feel myself getting emotional as I allow my fingers to type each word; and allow each word to form a sentence.

I cannot even began to explain how challenging things have been in my life. Struggling with chronic pain and mental health is draining, both physically and emotionally. I am tired all of the time. It is not the type of tiredness where I can take a nap for a few hour and I’ll be okay. It is the type of tiredness where no matter how much sleep I do get, I am still exhausted. I do a very good job hiding it, but things are hard and that is it.

And breathe, Syd.

Two weeks ago, I was standing in line at Starbucks on my break. It was mid-morning, but I was already ready to curl back in bed. I began talking with a colleague of mine about work and as we approached the front of the line, she offered to pay for my drink. I quickly declined, but she insisted. Without knowing anything I was facing, for a moment I felt seen and I was cared for. It was such a simple act, but it meant so much to me.

The following day, I was busy running around at work. I got a call on my vocera – (if you don’t know what that is, it is the black device that it hooked to my shirt in the photo. It is a way for my colleagues to call and communicate while being anywhere on campus). “You have a visitor, come to the front.” As I started walking, I see my dear friend and her mom greeting me with my favorite drink in hand. And once again in that moment, I felt seen and I cared for.

I know it may be silly to some, but these two interactions quickly began dear to me. I am grateful.

Fast forward to a week ago. I am sitting in the dental office getting my teeth cleaned. For some, this may seem like a simple and easy task to complete, but for me, it was challenging. It was challenging for reasons that are most likely different than most. I have been in need of scheduling an appointment for quite sometime, but scheduling takes energy and even more energy to go – energy, which I have very little of. Not only that, I have an extra step. I needed to call my surgeon’s office to get an antibiotic prescription before I can even go to the dentist – more time, more energy. I have to be medicated due to my prosthetic hip and preventing an infection. Somehow, I did it! I picked up my prescription, took my medicine before my appointment, and sat through a cleaning. Which, if you are wondering, I am cavity free!!

This week, I had my eye exam! My glasses broke months ago… and though it took me many, many months to go in, I finally did and I’ll be picking up my glasses in the coming weeks.

I did it!

Each of my appointments were about an hour long. For me, it took everything I had to go. I knew my body needed a rest, so when I was done with them, I would go to the house, curl into bed, and take a nap. The smallest things are the hardest to do at times.

Fast forward to now. I am sitting with the lady in the black chair… and in this very moment I am seen, I am cared for.

There is so much more I could continue to say, but I am going to keep it short and sweet so my heart doesn’t get too overwhelmed. I am sharing this because this stuff is real and it is honest. Life is messy at times and sometimes, I want to scream and cry… and that it OKAY. I am human – I am human and it is okay to give myself permission to just be.

So yes, it has been 6 months since I have written, but it has been 6 months of not giving up on myself, and for that, I am grateful.

All my love,

SydneyPaige