Over the years when I found myself in a season of darkness, I would try my best to hold it all together. That’s what our world does. We hide behind the makeup, the things we have, and the biggest one, social media. Not only did I hide from the ones around me, but I hide from God – the one who sent his son to died on the cross for me – I hid from. I found myself feeling completely unworthy of God’s love and forgiveness. I took time away from church to “pull myself together”, but I never could.
They say, “time heals all,” so I gave it time, and more time, but my pain and brokenness never went away. I still got an unsettling feeling. My stomach sank every time it was brought up, or I heard a certain song. They lied. They lied to you and to me. It’s not true, time does not heal all. Time – masks things. It masks the pain and it turns the truth cloudy. Time does not heal. God, heals; and he’s the only one that can take our pain and turn it into beauty.
I have returned back to church and in the past few weeks I have heard God speak to me so clearly. For me, God uses words. The words, “stop” and “confident” are the two words that were put upon my heart. And, as I continued to pray over this and ask what each word meant, here is what I heard:
- Stop working to the point of exhaustion – why?
- Because you are secure in me
- Stop believing the lies that were once told to you
- Stop shutting God out
- Stop running
- Be confident in Me and My doing for your life
- Lay down your pain and brokenness – leave it there
- Allow God to have control over everything – finances, work, relationships etc.
- You are going to be okay
The biggest thing I heard:
I never left you, my daughter. I have always been with you – every step of the way – and I always will be.
It’s amazing to see what God can do when we stop living the way we want to and allow God to fully take control – that is something I struggle with. He already brought me through 11 hip surgeries, why would I think he would stop now? I feel like God is stirring something up in me. It is scary, but I know it’s the next step. If I allow him, he will take my life and use it to embrace more people than I ever could do on my own. God is wanting to take me on a personal journey and it is my turn to step out.
Stay strong and live with hope – It is time I stop running and be confident in the One who beautifully handcrafted me from the inside out.