I always tell myself that my blog needs to be honest; that the things I write, need to come from the heart and be real, no matter what anyone says. So, I’d be lying if I told you, I don’t struggle with my faith; because the truth is, I do and I am struggling.  It’s not that I deny God’s existence, I know he IS real, and alive, and doing work within. But lately, I am struggling with his love for me and understanding that he IS bigger than my struggle and circumstances. I have been finding myself only praying for others because I believe I am not worthy of prayer nor God’s undeniable grace. I find myself getting so wrapped up in my anxiety and depression that I feel as though, God is nowhere near.

Many times, I have cried out to God. I’ve fallen to my knees and I have hit the lowest of lows. I’ve yelled out to God, “where are you,” so desperate for love, for healing, for strength.  I’ll think I’ve hit rock bottom, until the next event happens, then I state once again, “this is my rock bottom.” If you only knew the events I have faced in my short 21 years of life.

How is it possible to have so many hopes and dreams, yet feel so stuck? I listened to God’s call when he spoke to me and said, “it’s okay to say goodbye to your hip” and he showed me an image of what my life would look like with my prosthetic. I listened when he said, “move.” I physically dropped everything, put in my notice, and moved. The call to become a nurse came so suddenly, and I am currently following through on it. The call to become a foster mom, came on my heart during my elementary school years, yet, I am choosing to still pursue it. I talk with foster parents and get insight, even though, I am only 21 and most people look at me like I am crazy when I talk with them about parenting, let alone, becoming a foster parent. My point is, I am listening. So why do I still so far away from God? Why am I not believing in his unconditional love for me? Why is he not here?

I recently, stumbled across a song called, Where Were You by Francesca Battistelli. The first half of the song has spoken to me so deeply, the end, I am still having trouble believing. I found myself doubled over in tears.

“One set of footprints, on the path I’d been on
But You say You’ve been here all along, oh
If you really loved me, like nobody else
Why was I walking through hell

How could You miss me?
With my hands in the air
I thought You were listening
Oh, I thought You’d be there!

Where were You?
When I had no one to turn to
Where were You?
When my worst fears were coming true
Where were You?
I thought You’d come to my rescue”

My heart aches with pain… I am really trying to understand this. Most nights, I am not sleeping anymore. I’ll be up for hours on end, which is so not like me. I need my sleep, especially with these hips of mine and the chronic pain I live in. I haven’t worked out in what it feels like has been ages, but really it has been about 4 months. I feel like I have lost a part of who I am. I am nothing without God.

Reaching out, is something I struggle so much with. I have a very hard time trusting people and letting them see such a vulnerable side of me, but I wish someone would physically sit with me in my pain and just be. I’ve come to learn, not many people want to walk that journey, which to me, is something that shocks me and still something I am trying to comprehend, but I don’t think I’ll ever understand. Aren’t we called to, “Rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep” (Romans 12:15).

Yesterday, I received a package in the mail. Not having any clue what it was, I opened it. A dear friend of mine sent me a daily devotional, called, Streams In The Deserts. When I thanked her, she stated, “this isn’t just any devotional.” 

To my curiosity, I did a little research. Here is a basic overview of what I learned:

This devotional was birthed out of Lettie Cowman’s deepest pain, when her husband became very ill out on the mission field. Together, they returned back to the states. During this time, Cowman, would write daily devotionals as she watched her husband suffer. Eventually, her husband passed away, and this devotional became one of the top selling devotionals since 1925.

Now, as I hold it in me hands, I am eager to start reading it. Maybe, I’ll be able to learn from her pain and the scripture that is within.

So there you have it guys, I don’t have it all together, and I NEVER will. I am not a “perfect” Christian (whatever that even means). I struggle with depression, anxiety, and PTSD, which is something I am doing my best not to be afraid of or scared admit. My relationship with Jesus, our savior, is a relationship I am constantly working on. It is one I struggle to understand the depth of love he has for me and understanding why he has called me out, when I don’t feel worthy. How could he still choose me, after all that I have been through? Yet, he still does and will do so: Every. Single. Day.

I wish we were honest about our faith, so then, we don’t have to struggle alone. Believing in God doesn’t mean you have to know it all or have it all together, it is quite the opposite. Faith is a beautiful gift God has given to us, and as challenging as it may be, a relationship with God is so worth it.