Dear Diary (#2)

If you know me, you’ll know how important music is to me. Every lyric, every melody, every rhythm, every song, tells a story.

When I was 14, my mom bought me the beautiful gift of my first guitar. I remember that day so clearly. We went to Guitar Center right after school, just Mom and me. I was so excited.

May 24th, 2010

Dear Diary,

Well, on May 11th, 2010, I got my first guitar and to tell you the truth, it was one of the best gifts I have ever gotten. I’m so happy Mom got it for me, because I am one step closer to my dream.

For once, I thought my life was going well. I thought I could hide the pain of my leg – I have a doctors appointment May 26th, 2010 and I am so scared to go. What if I need another surgery or get put back on crutches? I can’t go through that again. I just want to be healthy and I want to go after my dreams with no one stopping me. I want to fall in love and I want a guy who truly loves me, I want people to hear my music and see me for me, and I want real friends who care about me. Most of all, I don’t want to be scared anymore.

Everyday, I go to school and no one notices me and that’s a feeling no one should feel. The moment I get there, I want to go right back home. People don’t listen to me, or see me. They could careless if I was gone.

Music is all I have. It is my escape from school and surgeries.

I just miss being happy.

To this day, my guitar means so much to me. Though, I have lost myself along the way with it. It’s meaning will always hold a special place in my heart.

My broken heart at just 14 continues… I never felt like I belonged. I dreaded going to school because I could never be myself, and I was drowning in my medical condition. I never knew when the next surgery was going to be. I constantly thought about my hip and what I could and couldn’t do. I longed for clarity. I longed to be healthy. I longed to be happy.

My guitar gave me security, it gave me hope, it sparked a light in me.

Oh Little Syd, I see you. I hear you. I hear your shattered heart. I feel your pain. Oh Little Syd. I love you so dearly.

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