(Don’t) Look Back

They say, “don’t look back,” “forget about it.” “Don’t bring it up.” Truth is, I can’t lie about what happened. I can’t pretend this pain isn’t here. I can’t throw away the pages that are filled with tears from weeping all those nights.

They say, “don’t look back, only look forward;” but how do I keep moving forward when the past haunts me and follows side by side. It clothes me in darkness and squeezes out the light I once had in me. It tells me crushing lies. It whispers deep into the night, and as I grip the covers tighter and tightly hold onto my bear, I remind myself to just make it to the morning. Sometimes, I wake up sweating and in a panic in the middle of the night. I try to tell myself it was just a bad dream, but it wasn’t. It was real. It happened.

They say, “don’t look back.” I think that’s wrong. As I drive down the long roads surrounded by open land and pass the wild horses, I look back in my rear view mirror. Each tree, each fence, each barn, each horse; gets smaller and smaller and slowly starts to vanish, as I continue to drive. Does that mean those things are no longer there?

The thing is, those dark and scary moments in our lives will always be there, but like each tree. The past cannot be changed, which means you can let it, “break you or make you.”

They say, “don’t look back.” I say, look back. Face what is crushing your heart. Face the pain and the brokenness within. Allow God to bring healing into your life. Sometimes I question why… but then I look. I am still here, I am still breathing, so let me tell you about my story.

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