She said to, “keep writing,” but I am finding it hard to express how I feel through words when I feel like I have lost who I am. 

Sitting here on my couch, I ponder life and everything I have been through. A part of me smiles at remembering the joy, and a part of me aches because of the heartache and pain. If you only knew. 

Some nights, I wake up in a panic from a nightmare… most people don’t understand or think I am overreacting, but that nightmare was not just a nightmare, it was real. It happened and I can’t pretend that it didn’t. 

She said, “keep writing.” Why? 

It seems to me, everything and everyone just keeps going and then there’s me… stuck. Trying to keep my head above water when I feel like I am sinking with a ton of bricks tied to me. 

People around me smile and laugh and it makes me cringe. Not because I don’t want others to be happy, but because I want to feel that happiness. 

That saying, “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle,” I would tell myself that to help block out the pain and to survive.

He must think I am pretty freakin’ strong.

But why did He think I was strong enough? I don’t feel it. This push and pull. Back and forth. Where is the sun?

If you only knew. 

I can’t help, but to feel a sinking feeling in my stomach. When I shut down, I shut down completely. There’s no point in trying with me, but that’s when you need to try the hardest. 

I am stubborn; and I have learned, I have a Protector within me. And sometimes, that Protector over works itself. It’s not a bad thing to have a Protector. In fact, it’s a quality that needs to be admired. But, sometimes it needs to take a break and let Hope lead the way. 

So why keep writing? 

Because that is Hope doing its job, choosing not to give up on me.

There is ALWAYS hope not matter what, I just have to allow it to do it’s work.