Dear Diary (#3)

At just 14, I was faced with the fact that I would need a total hip replacement. I didn’t know what that meant or how it would all unfold. I just knew it was a big operation. It devastated me, it broke my heart, and scared me more than anything. So many questions ran through my mind and I had no idea where to even start.

August 5th, 2010

Dear Diary,

It is really hard for me to understand that I am getting a 5th surgery. I wish I had a trustworthy friend. Doctors are talking about a hip replacement again… I am really scared about what’s going to happen. I try to stay strong, but it is hard to. I hate when people see me cry and I try everyday to put a smile on my face. I don’t like showing the way I feel to people, so I just keep it all inside. I am in pain… and I just want to get better.

How was I suppose to comprehend all of this? How was I suppose to be a kid when my whole world changed in a blink of an eye? I began to dread going to the doctors. It was never a fun place to be or a place where I felt safe. My trust in doctors started to fade away. But there I was, spending several days and months in and out of the hospital. I became angry, confused, and so sad. I felt like my body had given up on me.

My cry for help was so loud, yet no one heard me. I prayed for understanding, I prayed for friends, I prayed for healing, but I felt so alone. The depth of my pain began to cover me at young age.

I wish I could wrap my arms around Little Syd. She was so strong yet, she didn’t even know it. She was brave and did the best she could. Her heart was for Jesus, even in the midst of her pain she still praised him. Little Syd, I am proud of you.

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