I didn’t want to get out of bed this morning. 

3:50am: the alarm goes off, I hit snooze. 4:00am: the alarm goes off, I hit snooze. 4:15am: the alarm goes off, I hit snooze. 4:30am: the alarm goes off, I hit snooze. 4:45am: the alarm goes off, I hit snooze.  

I hit snooze 5 times before finally making the decision: to change real quick, tie my hair up, slip my shoes on, and head out the door. 

Welcome to my mornings, welcome to my life.

I hadn’t checked the weather nor looked outside. It was raining… but I had no time to turn back into my apartment to get a jacket. Being from the PNW, I am use to the rain, so I figured I could handle it and it’ll probably stop soon. I was wrong. 

As I approach the shop, my coworker and I park our cars and exchanged friendly “good mornings,” and tiredly walked in. 

We quickly realize this rain was not going to stop. In fact, it was pouring even harder. 

“Do we have to put out the furniture?” 

“Who’s going to sit out in the rain?”

Yep, we had to do it. I quickly went over to the furniture, unlocked the lock and began untying the cord. 

The rain began to fall on me. It hit every inch of my body. I tried to go as fast as I could, but I was cold and the water made the chairs and tables slippery. 

At one point, I looked up. The sky was gray, the sound of the rain was music to my ears, and I had completely given up on trying to stay dry. I was drenched. 

Kinda reminds me of my life. Everything is cloudy and I am covered in pain, shame, and guilt. I am hurt. I made a mistake. A mistake, I now have to learn to forgive myself for. 

But how? 

Welcome to my life. 

I walked inside and looked at myself in the big glass mirror. My makeup from the night before had ran completely down the side of my cheeks. I quickly grabbed a paper towel and wiped it off. 

There I was, trying to dry off with a paper towel, as if it was going to make my clothes new again. I was wet. My clothes were wet and that was it. I had to work in wet clothes until they naturally air dried. 

Maybe, that’s what I need to do for my brokenness. Let it hurt, let myself sit in the pain, let it strip me bare nake to the core, so then maybe, it will began to heal little by little. 

These few minutes out in the rain caused my clothes hours to dry. Maybe that’s how it is when a significant event happens. It takes hours, days, months, years to process. Maybe even a lifetime before the healing. 

I still believe in healing and in hope, but I get lost at times and that is okay to admit. 

But, there IS still hope; because God is love and He is my hope.