Hey Little One,
You have been on my mind quite a bit since your sister is now “legally free” and we are moving forward with adoption. We are so thrilled and excited for your sister to have a forever home here with us. I cried tears of joy, tears of relief, and tears of sorrow all at the same time when the judge said, “termination of parental rights is granted.” After two years, your sister is finally free.
There is a part of me that can’t help but to think where you would be if you were here. Oh, how different life would be with your sweet presences. Your precious little life, gone too soon. I know, you were fighting for life the moment you were conceived. Some say you, “did not stand a chance,” but I believed differently as your sister made it here.
From the moment I knew of your existence, I loved you. I began to talk with your sisters about you and they would walk around our home saying, “baby.” I began to dream of our life with three little one’s dancing and playing. I began to imagine all the sweet laughter and little giggles. Our dream was a life with you.
Isn’t it so weird how deeply you can love someone or something, you have never met? This is how I felt about you. You were going to be my son or daughter.
I had no control in protecting you. I wish I did, but I didn’t. I wasn’t carrying you, you weren’t growing in my tummy. All I could do is pray, so I did. I prayed every single day. I prayed over your crib. I prayed over the blanket I was crocheting for you. I prayed over the little outfits I picked out just for you. I prayed over your space. I prayed over our home and for our hearts.
Little One, you were wanted.
Grieving you comes in waves. Sometimes, I find myself spiraling in the what ifs, but I quickly stop as I know that does not do any good.
I find comfort in knowing you are with K and M, the kindest most sweetest friends I once had. Ehh, I am getting teary-eyed… I can’t wait for the day when I can hug all three of you, and hold you close, Little One. Until then, I will keep you close to my heart.
Just as I say to your sisters everyday: you are wanted. You are loved. You will always have a place in our home.
My dear Little One, I love you, so. Please don’t ever forget that.
Love,
Your unofficial official mama
Rustic Horseshoe 